How to Stay Friends in a Pandemic

COVID-19 has thrown us all into a new world of Zoom calls and mask wearing that makes it extra challenging to maintain our friendships. Many of the things that keep our relationships strong like physical touch, spending time together indoors and attending large gatherings now pose a threat to our own health and the health of our communities. It’s quite literally a matter of life and death, but friendship and connectivity is still a vital part of our lives that we need to sustain us through this difficult time. However, not everyone is distancing in the same way, some people don’t have the ability to distance due to work, education, mental health etc, and some people aren’t distancing at all. In my own life, I’ve found it much more difficult to stay connected, especially since (until I left for college last week) I was social distancing fairly hardcore (curbside pickup and minimal store runs, only seeing a few friends outdoors, etc.) To figure out how others are doing, I talked to two of my friends who are also navigating friendships while social distancing. Bea Sutton will be a freshman at the University of Wisconsin Madison this year and Charlotte Steckart will be a freshman at the University of Wisconsin Green Bay, where she will spend her first year online at home.

“The thing is that I am not a person that has been doing well social distancing, just because I was a social butterfly… I’m an extrovert, very much so. Being with only family who I don't always get along with has really been emotionally draining and college is something I've looked forward to for so long to finally be a fully functioning adult… And Madison has kind of been trying. They’re having every single student tested every two weeks, they have quarantine dorms set up, they’re closing all community things, all classes are gonna be online,” Bea says.

Despite her extroverted personality, she’s been doing a lot to social distance and be safe during the pandemic. “Well, we're kind of going a little crazy… Besides our jobs, we do not leave our house to see people unless they themselves have also been entirely social distancing… The kids aren't really allowed to see their friends unless it's like social distancing and… we will wear masks and sit six feet apart. When I get really lonely I’ll go and I'll sit in my friend's front lawn and they'll sit on their porch and we'll just half shout to each other.”

I was curious if any of Bea or Charlotte’s friends didn’t share the same views about social distancing, so I asked them if they’d been understanding. “They’re usually like ‘You're a teenager, it won't affect you that much,’ but then when I say I have high risk family [members] and coworkers they are like ‘Ok, I understand that.’ Like, they don’t see their grandparents because they understand ‘high risk,’ and they’ll respect that,” Bea says. Charlotte replied similarly: “I feel like people understand, I just think that it’s more of like, it’s hard for me too, you know? Like, most days I really miss my -- it’s so weird, I want to say ‘normal life,’ but it’s never gonna be the same after this… I think they understand where I'm coming from, I think it’s just [that] my parents are more conservative with the whole COVID thing, like who we see and what our interactions are, even before it was really big and people figured out how serious it was gonna be.”

One of Charlotte’s close friends, Willa, works at a local coffee shop, and they’ve been staying connected despite the pandemic. “I hung out with Willa on my back porch. I have a really big back deck outside, so that's cool. We kind of just talked. We had our masks on [and] it was really hot. It’s like, in 80 degree weather wearing a mask is not that convenient but worth it, you know? I’d rather that than a ventilator. But yeah, that’s kind of it. Sometimes we go to the beach… Certain people have jobs and stuff like that. Willa for instance is going out a lot because she works at Wonderstate in Bayfield and so she’s exposing herself to all her customers and all the people she works with and the people they hang out with. And it just freaks me out a little bit because I’m already a pretty anxious person so I can’t’ really do that. I think she’s just more chill about it, which I'm not, but we’ve still figured out how to stay in contact.”

Bea has also gotten creative about the ways she’s keeping in touch. “I’ve been writing letters… I have never been a person that was very active on social media, and social media itself is kind of toxic, so I've just like been telling people ‘I would like to stay in contact with you all… You can meet me outside or you can write me a letter because letters are just so much more genuine…’ And it feels different than a text when you’re reacting to something with an emoji or just an ‘OK.’ And phone calls [are] like the same thing. And so I’m trying not to be on social media and get frustrated with the people that aren’t social distancing, and I don’t want to lose friendships because of that. I don’t wanna have that urge to text them and be like ‘You’re putting lives at risk by throwing a party in your neighborhood.’ And so I’ve just been trying to step away and only interact with people in a way that’s good for my mental health… It’s definitely taken a toll on me.”

Charlotte also had concerns about the mental health effects of social distancing. “It’s hard. It’s really hard. I think mental health is gonna be a big issue as well after this, worse than it was before… For me it’s getting outside and not just staying in my room watching TV all day. I feel like right now especially, because I've always been very connected to social media. Like, when stuff is going on it really affects me. So now it's even harder because… I feel like I'm constantly on my phone like constantly… It's just the weirdest set of events right now in the US that's all connected.” Charlotte also has friends in other countries, some of which she’s been in contact with. “My friends in other countries have different experiences, just because of how our government is at the time, it isn’t very organized at all… Most of the time when I talk to anyone outside the States they’re like ‘Oh my God, the States!’ But I also haven’t talked to many people online… Normally when I’m on breaks from school I won’t talk to a bunch of people because it’s kind of like a time to just like chill out and desocialize for a little bit, but now it’s getting to the point where all I'm doing is that and I should probably reach out to more people.”

We’re in a time of crisis, and we need our relationships with one another to remain strong as we support each other through this difficult time. It can be challenging, but we don’t have to navigate it alone. Bea says, “Anyone that I was planning on keeping around when I left for college has been trying to stay in contact with me throughout this virus. Like, there are people that even if they’re not social distancing they respect that I am. They’re willing to have phone calls with me or sit across the yard from each other. I think all the friendships that really matter can survive Corona.”